You here yet?
Its always been something I was never great at. I keep looking over, keep checking the mail, keep attending to those butterflies in my stomach, keep constantly wondering what if? For sometimes I just want to stop thinking about the future or pondering about the past. It just seems so taxing and just drains me of all those many more ATPs I’ve so passively produced without even attending to it.
I want to be able to stop, I want to be able to pause. But that’s just like 20% of me!!! The remainder 80% just wants to keep fixating over that one thing that’s suddenly so important that my life seems to rotate around the anxious system of my all so minute universe. This seems so futile every time but still the most rewarding when after this major eclipse ceases to exist, I look back at the sun.
What goes in is so me. I know that too. I could not not think about it. I could not not feed those butterflies with those additional food for thought. I could not not be this messed up combination of my parents. It’s from my dad I get this crazy gene that dictates my mind to obsess over things and it’s my mom from whom I’ve inherited this thirst in me to get things done with quick.
And yes, I know not to blame the environment I was brought up in and just the genes that so notoriously have crafted me because this nature is inherent. I was born premature at home! Maybe even then I was too eager to find out what the world outside was like. I just could not appreciate the muffled voices that so beautifully enveloped me in the safety and warmth of my moms womb. I just had to go out! I had to find out what everything outside was. Probably again not appreciating that these 9 months wouldn’t ever come back to me… I’m gonna have years to explore outside but just those few minutes inside. Maybe it was always a part of me.
Everyone said, careful kiddo, you want to watch each step you take, cause you know, good things come to those who wait. But, I was so accustomed to being in a hurry always that good things just started feeling like a tick on this giant checklist that I’ve defined life to be. I guess its rigidity, wanting to get things a certain way and guess what? I want it just like that! But when I get things I want, why wait? It could be so much better for everyone, saving everyone time if I just got what I wanted… And boy when I want something, I don’t know about the universe coming together to get me things, but I know each heart beat, jump in the stomach, thought in my mind or a twitch in my muscles just come together to fuel my ambitions to get to it.
When I see things, churn, brew, getting me a sip closer towards that wine of victory. I know every atom in my body finds its intoxicated state, I just know that. It has to. I am good if everything is all good. I never taught myself otherwise. Why should I? Don’t we say work and work till you succeed. I guess that mantra has now become one with me. How could it not? Its who I am. It’s who I suppose I would always be.
I’ve been yearning for something! Its been a part of my life for the past 3 months. Never, ever did I think it would play out like this. But, I guess it did. I wanted it sooner and all that I got was an empty mail box, a blank list of schedule and barely any opportunities to better improve all that sweat put into shaping the next few months of my life. I wonder? Why is this happening? What is this thing that isn’t in my control. I seem to dislike it. It seems foreign. It seems something I don’t want to do anymore. It seems like an item on my checklist that’s just fueling frustration within. I start crying. Not so much loudly but just from within. The cries resonate all over. I get the feeling they are so loud, that I shiver every time one breaks through that cage. I try to keep it locked. But this ghastly wave just over takes me. It takes over takes my life, it directs my behavior, it regenerates all that fuel that just drives and pushes my body to keep thinking… keep thinking about what if? Keep thinking am I good enough? Keep telling me to challenge everything I stand for? And you might ask… what is it that I am standing for?
I still stand for that quick, stroke of pen, just scratching through the surface of the paper. That gentle stroke of a tick! That tick on my checklist. Yes, penning this thought down only allows me to further realize that I have reduced that entire experience as a check on that perfect list that I’ve evaluated to be ideal. I know, it seems small to many. But, its not. That tick on an item allows me to validate every ounce of ATP spent on this task, that tick allows me to coax myself to carry onto the next, that tick rests that beast within that fragile cage that ticks like a time bomb, that tick gives my heart a reason to jump with excitement and lastly gets me that smile that I look at in the mirror and wonder what if?
These experiences in life come and go. Each item I tick resonates a memory of perseverance, craving and a want that’s met. It’s like the little child in me gets the candy they’ve been throwing a tantrum about. And after every successful tantrum I decide, this time it’s the last one. Cause, from the next time I’ll learn how to wait. I’ll learn that good things come to those who wait. Ill learn that a smile is something I’ll learn to appreciate more so when I don’t sweat but enjoy through the work.
But every time the next thing on the checklist pops up, my speed obsessed gene just kicks in, kicking all my other sense out and yet again gives birth to a premature kid who just wants his candy and wants it NOW!
